Monday, September 28, 2009

Posting old blogs

I may repost a blog or two here from MySpace or but more commonly I suspect I will post old writings I haven't posted at all, ever before. I'm not writing new blogs right now. I'm working 12, 14, 16 hour days. I'm not writing. So... long story short, here's something I found on one of my hard drives written April 26, 2006. It's entitled "ADHD"

I don’t really have the strength to write a full on blog. I just want to express myself. I’m going to let my thoughts take us where ever they will. Will. Spilt maintains we have no will but are preprogrammed robots. It’s not predestined robots but more like organisms that do their “task” in nature without any real impact on the outcome in a global or eternal sense. At least, that’s what I think he means. I’m guessing he’s going to chime in here and maybe he’ll further enlighten us. I disagree with this perspective entirely. He is my main example of how goofy this “belief” is. He has made all the counter intuitive decisions in his personal life. Quite unlike what most would do. If he’s “preprogrammed” its a novel program and he’s the first in a new mutated form of life.

This evening I attended an ADHD group for adult women. It’s the fourth time I’ve attended this group, they meet once a month. Every time I go over half the participants are there for the first time. I usually only recognize a couple of the women as having been there before. It’s hard to organize people with ADHD, I have the same situation with my support group that meets at my house. One of my ADHD friends said it’s like “herding cats”.

The subject of the evening was relationships. ADHD women have a lot of trouble in relationships. They are erratic, undependable, forgetful, messy, distracted, inattentive, impulsive and explosive. They can be flirtatious, inappropriately. These are my people. I identify with them. None of them/us have easy and secure relationships. Who wants to be hooked up with that bio? Men with ADHD have similar struggles, but I’m not talking about them right now.

So, instead let’s talk about Spilt Milk. He HATES it when I talk about him. He’s like a low profile kind of guy. Self deprecating, private and shy. I know that doesn’t’ sound like the guy whose blogs you read, but think about it, has he ever talked about his sex life? Or his marriage? Let me tell you about his sex life…. oh damn, I can’t do it to him. He’s just too too something to “out”. I will out him this much, he’s a very generous lover. Spilt, surely that doesn’t offend you?

Back to the “Will”. Spilt is unlike any of the men that were referenced at the meeting tonight. I, on the other hand, was like all the women. We pick fights to stay stimulated, forget things important to our mates, are always late, make huge messes everywhere we go, are defensive, inattentive, and unavailable. All the husbands reported on tonight express great dissatisfaction. None of the women have maintained relationships lasting as long as mine. One very sweet woman, obviously desiring to be everything she can be in her marriage choked up as she told us how she was on her third marriage and this one was on the skids. I am these women yet I’ve been married 32 freaking years. It hasn’t been all that fun at times but it is, still.

One of the things I know about my husband is that he says what he means and means what he says.

A year and a half ago, our marriage finally hit the wall. Why did it take so long? It’s Spilt Milk’s incredible tolerance for abuse. He is a strong willed man. His will is very special to me.

The details of our end are not important. What matters to me, is we came to the end and started over.

I hope things are as different now for him as they are different for me. I am grateful for all the difficult things that have happened in the last couple of years because everything is better now and I know myself better. Thank you Milk. I love Milk.

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